Let's see, who's on the Winner's Podium today?

by Stewart Kudupakse

(November 03, Colombo, Sri Lanka Guardian)

Well folks, up until this morning it was a very close race.

Yessir, very close indeed. As the most annoyingly amusing person in Sri Lanka Mervyn the Vermin was winning by a length, having rounded the last bend he was heading for home at a comfortable pace. Having fraudulently obtained money with a bad cheque, threatened staff of the Canadian Embassy at gunpoint and tying a government official to a tree, you would think that nothing could surpass him.

Wrong! Think again.

From out of the pack gallops Duminda and he closes in on Mervyn in leaps and bounds passing him comfortably yards before the finishing post. How did he accomplish this amazing feat you might ask?

This humble individual has been accused of rape and molesting his girlfriend, the delectable Anarkali Arakasha. This hit the headlines but as is customary in Sri Lanka the matter just died a death and nothing happened. Then of course there is the small matter of his insurance fraud of nothing less than Rs. 17 million. How did this come about? Back in August He crashed his car and then six days later took out an insurance policy on it. Two days after the policy was in hand he made a claim with the insurance company for the total loss of his vehicle as it had hit a telephone pole. (Judging by the condition of the vehicle he must have hit the entire telephone company). Investigations by the insurance company revealed the truth and a report was made to the police who admittedly openly that while they thought there was sufficient evident to act against Duminda they did not due to enormous political pressure. "We would have been in deep trouble if we raised any issue then," said one high ranking officer, who, with a penchant for self preservation declined to be named.

And so folks it's Duminda by a head, taking the lead as Sri Lanka's most deplorable example of what any person can do if you have the patronage of the Troika.

Stewart Kudupakse is an author and satirist who also has a penchant for self preservation.